Grow together. Emigration as a growth point for your children
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Grow together .
Emigration as a growth point for your children
We all wish a better life for ourselves and our loved ones. In the pursuit of achieving it, we perform a variety of actions. Sometimes, we break from a violent place, we leave our life in another country. The reasons for making such a decision can be completely different. The only thing is - at this moment we make our own, conscious choice. But are our children ready to share this choice with us?
For young children, the adoption of such a decision is always unequivocal: it is good for them where mom and dad are. And it does not matter at what point of the map of the world they are. Difficult with teenagers. In their world, parents are far from the only people with whom it can be good. Sometimes it is exactly the opposite.
"A teenager is an anomaly"?
"First of all, it is worth remembering that the teenager in itself is an anomaly," says Alain August, a psychologist and a coach. "Do not be surprised, but how would you feel if you were bombarded with atomic bombs and fireworks every second?" Namely, this is the same hormonal storm that covers the teenagers with a head. Hence the mood swings, and the rejection of the outside world from time to time, and the desire to contradict everything, to risk, fears and fears, and much much more. And now imagine that this wonderful creature is also being transplanted into another soil "?
To present it is simple: the vulnerable mentality of a young man or girl in a new country is constantly stressed: dear friends are already very far away; around everyone speaks an incomprehensible language; in the new school you need to re-gain authority, which, due to the mentality, has very different definitions; The formed system of values, most likely, in a new place is subject to great doubt.
Parent or friend?
Alexei moved to Montenegro with his family three weeks ago. According to him, "from the point of view of the classical theory of upbringing used in Russia, children now have exactly that stage of stay - adaptation."
"As part of the traditional approach to education in the Russian Federation, children are subjected to patterning, we can say, dressing," Alexei continues. - Therefore, the reaction to the new environment in them depends on the degree of anxiety of parents and those protocols that have been sewn into the picture of the world of a son or daughter since birth. If parents use the protocol "be afraid of everything new" and "do only what I have told you, otherwise you will be punished", the process of adaptation to a new environment is another manifestation of weakening pity for the child. "
On a new place of residence, it is important to realize that, first of all, you are for your child - the closest and most sincere friend, but not a mentor-parent, who is responsible for misconduct.
Moving will show the parents, surely they respect the personality of their child, how harmoniously and freely this personality developed in their joint life.
Motivation for life
On the fair question of the child "Why do I need this?", It is important to find a worthy answer. It is important to forget forever the phrase "Because I said so" (a). If your arguments are interesting and convince the child of the importance of moving, if it becomes interesting for him to live in a new country, adaptation will pass unnoticed.
"You need to find motivation for life," says Liliya Chetverikova, an archetypal analyst. - Ask a teenager a question, with an emphasis on positive: what do you already love here? What have you already accepted? Cling and develop your new life through love, respect and interest in the new country, keeping in touch with the old place.
Offer to study the country, people, culture as a researcher and awaken in the growing soul a cognitive spirit. When this interest in the country is awakened, then such a reaction of others as adoption will follow. "
Moving to another country with an almost adult child, it is important to understand: your roles in this process are equal. To some extent, you personally begin to build your life from the very beginning. By virtue of his age, the teenager also only begins to grow. For joint successful growth you have nothing left to do but to become bosom friends and reliable partners.
Expert comments:
Pavlyuk Xenia, psychologist, psychoanalyst, member of the European Confederation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (Montenegro) [/ caption]
Becoming a person
"Adolescence in itself - a period of crisis, several key tasks of growing up are waiting for their solution at the same time. No longer a child, but also not an adult - a teenager does not know how to control himself, he is extremely sensitive, depends on the opinions of others, his body loaded with hormones requires relaxation, and others - more responsible actions. Add to this "cocktail" moving, and even in a completely new language environment, and the risk of breaking the fragile inner balance becomes obvious. The long-awaited emigration can become an "explosive point" for the instability of a teenager, a serious test for his fledgling self. What is curious is that it can also be a "point of growth", a place from where the new life will start, with new forces. How is this possible?
A teenager needs an equal Friend, who sees in him the same autonomous unit; mentors and teachers evoke a desire to turn the world on its head, and at all costs defend its opinion.
Respect for personal boundaries and recognition of the importance of his own self will provide incredible support; The position of non-intervention and your trust will be the best guarantor of a real growing up. If you see a "responsible Other" in a teenager, he has a chance to become one.
Be grateful for any involvement of a teenager in your affairs, for initiative and sympathy - only your eyes can reflect his value for you, his recognition and need in your mini community. Encourage the initiative, include it in the new life of the family, but do not be too demanding and do not include in marital conflicts.
Remember that his body needs to relax: help the child find the options for his own use - leisure, sports, old and new hobbies, activities, contacts with peers - all this helps to relieve internal tension, and therefore simplifies the task of coping with it. And be sure to remember: already an adult, but also a child, a teenager really needs your patience and attention to his experiences, in a sensitive unobtrusive love and care. "
Alain August, psychologist, coach (Russia) [/ caption]
First of all - make in advance familiar with the atmosphere where you have to live.
At your disposal not only volumes of books and hours of video films, but also virtual travel through the Internet, the opportunity to communicate with compatriots already living in the country chosen for residence. That is, it is necessary to try to understand the new space in advance. Discuss your feelings, fears and fears, hopes and fantasies - thereby you will give the opportunity to express and discuss them to your teenager. A surge of fears is already half the solution of the issue.
Try to make a plan for developing the territory - to find interesting places and activities in advance.
On your arrival try to communicate more often - what happened today, what surprised you that pleased? Share your funny situations, so that the teenager does not create a false impression of your infallibility and your failure. Play the game Find the funny thing - share your observations about the development in a new country, intentionally look for reasons for positive.
If, in addition to the theme of psychological comfort (and this is primarily important for a teenager!), The question arises of language communications - also become a partner to him. Together, master the language skills in different situations - cafes, sports competitions, transportation, walking in the park, buying a book, clothes. Helping him as a partner, you get not just a good person speaking the language of the country, but also - a grateful partner, friend and ... maybe ... not at once ... but one day ... he will remember these times as the happiest in their lives, and not as difficult days of breaking themselves. All in your hands :)
Ekaterina Balan
#Katarina_Balan
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